Virgin by choice
“Morality is a factor of choice, not belief.”
It is easy to assume religion to be the sole prevalent factor determining the levels of morality in a society. But choices are seldom bound by singularity of factors; otherwise there would have been at least one religion in the world which had no sinners. Actions and choices are influenced, amongst others, by social norms, personal desires, and peer groups. I never believed in abstinence because all the religions uphold piety and fidelity. And if you think the current society’s morality is caught in a downward spiral, even the most ancient of societies will provide you enough examples of immorality. The mere fact that infidelity had to be declared a religious sin reflects upon the conduct of some of the individuals in the society when those religions originated. Morality is a set of choices an individual deems fit and adopts as a personal code, depending upon his experiences while living in his society.
I grew up in a very different India than what the younger Indians today are living in. It is true that the size of a town in India reflects in its’ level of development, which in turn reflects in its’ forwardness in social norms. Growing up in a small town even today means living in a society ten to twenty years orthodox in mentality, compared to a big metropolitan. When I went to college, in my town, a girl and a boy who indulged in pre-marital sex were both deemed errant. However, the girls used to bear the brunt of the social apathy the most. The common refrain about a girl who got laid by a boy was, “Her life’s now ruined.” Well, to put it simply, if the girl won’t bleed on her wedding night while having sex with her legal husband (the breaking of hymen), it would mean the girl had sex before marriage, and there were minimal chances of her first marriage lasting, unless she were lucky enough to marry a very big hearted man.
As far as the boys who indulged in sex before or outside marriage were concerned; they didn’t win any sympathy from the society, but a few parents reprimanding their wards for having a friendship with those malignant ones was never a big threat or loss. True if the word spread about their reputation, girls won’t trust or hangout with them. But girls in orthodox India never used to hang-out with boys anyway. Once out of middle school (year eight), it was a struggle to even ask a girl for notes to a lecture. Walking up to a group of girls sitting in a lawn was akin to walking straight into the enemy line of fire, with enemy sitting ready with heavy artillery to blow you into smithereens, and all you had in defence was a kitchen knife.
In my college(s) that I went to, and even University for that matter, there were some very beautiful girls worth dying for, but with a blot in past. The blot I am referring to was their previous sexual experience with a boy. No decent boy who knew their past wanted to hook up with them, yours truly included in that list. And even the swinging Casanovas who had themselves nailed more than one girl previously; they were only interested in them for sex, not marriage. Such was the social stigma that used to attach to the girl.
So when I finally managed to have a girlfriend in University (I did have an always-in-trouble “Friendship” with a girl while doing “Bachelor of Education” in a college, but the relationship was always only a fluke), we never had sex, for we both had the same views about pre-marital sex; that it was a bad decision, as opposed to it being a sin. That relationship lasted good three years where I had plenty of opportunities to nail the girl, for my parents were both working, and my brother was studying in a college, with our house lying vacant all day. But we never even tried it!
Peer pressure, yes there was! My friends would come and tell me, “You should do it. The girls today want it themselves. You better do it or she will leave you.” Did it break me though? Not exactly! I did ask her once if she would like to have sex, and she started crying. So I told her, “I don’t want to have sex with you before our marriage. But if you ever want to, just let me know. But I don’t want you to ever stop loving me for not doing it with you.” This understanding lasted our relationship. Yes there were times when it appeared she was really keen, but every time I asked her she replied in negative. Another part of our commitment was that we will get married only if our parents will agree, and not by running away, as has always been the trend in India. Factors conspired, and the relationship died out.
Was I weak in my commitment to her? It could be said on a few accounts, but not in the light of something I hold in my heart, something that always clouded my confidence in that relationship. But I am not the only person in this world who holds that something. Those who know us from that time, most of them know it. And yes it is true that I had called off an engagement. But I thought it to be better to let the girl go and marry another man, than me marrying her for being a US citizen, only to leave her after moving over to US (a lot of Indians, both boys and girls do that). I could have been a US permanent resident by now, but I knew the fate of the relationship, so backed out in better interests of all. The definition of truth cannot be the one of convenience, and neither can be the divulgence of truth. Some things need to be upfront, for you never know how the person being exposed to the truth would analyse it around the fulcrum of their morality. I know I am rude with my truth, blunt with what I say. But that’s the way I have always been. I would rather take brickbats for not hiding my thoughts and opinions, than being an untrustworthy hypocrite.
There is no dearth of sex in Australia; paid or otherwise. But I am still caught up in my virginity. But it is a choice I’ve made, and not a forced decision. It took me more than a year and an un-reciprocated feeling after moving over to Australia, to change my views about girls who have had pre-marital sex. Before that change, I wasn’t ready to accept a girl who had experienced sex with a man other than me. But what I am afraid of today is; I think I have reverted back to my old thinking once again.
Fatal Urge Carefree Kiss “Amanpreet Singh Rai”